Too Hard
by WindowChild
Summary: CJ tries to convince Sam to see Josh, after the shooting.


"Sam?"

Sam looked up from his desk, eyes bleary from reading for so long. It was CJ. "Hey CJ…" he sighed, smiling at her. "What's going on?"

"Nothing much. I have some things to finish up, and then I'm going to visit Josh." Silence. "He's better you know. Donna said he's talking more, and sitting up. He's getting better."

"Are you telling yourself this, or me?" Sam asked. It was as bitter as he ever got with anyone, and a faint blush appeared on his cheekbones.

"It's been three weeks, Sam," she replied, in a quiet voice. "I think he misses you."

"He told you this?" Sam asked, looking worried. He would never purposely upset Josh, especially now.

"No, I can just tell."

"How?"

"You're not there. The two of you are best friends. It's not hard to figure out."

Sam glanced back down to his desk. "I have a lot to do, CJ. Maybe tomorrow."

"Leo says you said that last week."

"Well, last week… we…" He stopped, shaking his head. "It's been really busy."

"You want me to talk to Leo? I'm sure we can get you some time to go over there."

He shook his head again. "No, it's really fine. I'll go tomorrow. I'll go as soon as I get the chance." His eyes were back on his papers, avoiding CJ's. This prompted her to sit on the desk, looking closely at him. Sam usually made eye contact with everyone.

"Sam, what's going on with you?"

"Nothing," he said. "Nothing, CJ," he repeated, when she continued to stare. "Josh is getting better. I couldn't be more relieved, believe me."

"Yeah… me too." They smiled at one another, and yet still his eyes looked past her. "It's just…" She pursed her lips, choosing her words carefully. "You know Spanky, after you gave me back my necklace, I realized I never spoke to you more about the shooting."

"What's to talk about?" There was the slightest slip of defensiveness to his voice, and CJ knew not many people would have noticed.

"Well, are you okay?" It was incredibly open ended, and she knew she should have expected Sam's expression of scorn.

"Fine," he replied. "Why wouldn't I be, CJ? Josh is getting better."

She nodded, too far ahead of him already. "Yeah. But that doesn't mean anything. How are you?"

Sam shrugged. "Great. I mean, not great. But I've never been so relieved in my whole," he said, quietly. He glanced up at her, _finally _meeting her eyes.

"Then why are you avoiding him?" she asked, deciding not to beat around the bush anymore.

She was met with silence. Sam looked hurt, cornered. He didn't want to answer her. "I –"

"No," she said, "Sam, you were at the hospital, you saw him the day he woke up, and then you haven't been back. Why not?" He shook his head softly, if there was such a thing. "Sam?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

He wanted so badly to explain it to her, but it was too hard to do. "I really don't know. I just – I can't do it."

"Sam, I don't like seeing him like that either."

He froze, shocked that she'd reached the problem so quickly.

"But you've got to think about him. He's probably afraid that you don't want to see him."

"No he's not," Sam said, quietly. "How could he think that?" He sounded horrified.

"Well, wouldn't you think so?"

"No… Should I, should I try?"

CJ nodded slowly. "Come with me, tonight."

"I don't know if I'm ready."

"What happened the last time you were there?"

"It was fine," Sam said tightly. "I went in, and we talked – well, I talked – and then I left."

"So what's the problem?"

"It was hard!" he yelled softly, about as loud as she'd ever heard him yell. "He's my best friend, CJ. I hate that this happened to him. I hate the people who did this." He was fuming, jaw clenched in a controlled sort of rage. CJ suspected that the sudden dampness to his eyes was tears of fury.

"Sam…" She wanted to touch him, offer any sort of comfort, but it wasn't something they usually did. They worked in the White House; it was horrendously sad, but any ounce of affection could be judged.

"I'm fine," he said, "Never mind."

"So you'll come?"

He shut his eyes. Apparently she was going to keep going back to that. "Yeah. I'll come."

"Okay. I'll be back in twenty minutes or so, okay?"

"Okay."

"And Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not the only one, okay? It's hard for me too."

"Yeah. Thanks, CJ."

"Anytime." She stepped back to her own obvious, marveling at how easy it was with him. All he needed was to know he wasn't alone, which was less than true for the rest of them. Maybe if they were more like Sam, things wouldn't be so hard after all.


End file.
